Uuaww's Bowl Announcement Spectacular!
Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 3:03 pm
The Bitch Bowls:
These are the owners who barely qualified for bowls, greatly underachieved throughout the season, or are just playing in ridiculously named bowl games.
EagleBank Bowl
Central Michi gan vs UTEP
Central Michigan has a decent season, went 8-4 with a few decent wins but nothing spectacular. UTEP needed a soft non-conference schedule to get to .500 and qualify for a bowl game. Dan LeFevour should have a field day against this defense that ranked in the bottom 10 in the NDL. Add to the fact that this bowl is named after a bank that I have never heard of, and you have the makings of the worst bowl this season.
St. Petersburg Bowl
University of Louisiana Lafayette vs Southern Miss
Another decent team (Southern Miss) vs a 6-6 lackey from a weak conference. The bonus points for this game is that it is in Florida which is cool I guess. Southern Mississippi should take this one easily however.
New Mexico Bowl
Colorado State vs Fresno State
This was a major candidate for Biggest Bitch Bowl. Colorado State is another 6-6 mid major backing into a bowl versus a 7-5 Fresno State team that went 7-5 in the awful WAC. We all know how I felt about the WAC all season, and the fact Nevada didn’t win it due to sheisty tactics of exploding BillRoy’s PS3 via YLOD by Hoos and you have one pissed off NDL. Hoos is back on the shitlist for that tactic. Colorado State wins, as will everyone who plays the WAC.
PapaJohns.com Bowl
West Virginia vs #25 Nevada
BillRoy had his PS3 destroyed by Hoos at a horrible attempt to win the hapless WAC. Nevada may have been the cream of the WAC crop, but it won’t help him against a BCS opponent. Add to the fact that this is PapaJohn’s bowl, who’s pizza sucks balls by the way AND that they feel the need to be trendy by putting a .com at the end of it… and you get one bowl that really grinds my gears, WVU wins big.
GMAC Bowl
Northern Illinois vs Middle Tennessee State
MTSU will just be overwhelmed by a superior Northern Illinois squad. I mean there is a reason that the Sun Belt only has one guaranteed bowl tie in. The conference sucks and no one wants to see them in this many bowls.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
BYU vs Memphis
Ok these teams both went 6-6 which means this is an awful bowl. I’m going with BYU but that’s not the point. From the name of this bowl it seems to be sponsored by a company that makes helicopters; like the average TV viewer is the market for buying a fucking helicopter? Ridiculous sponsor, almost as bad as Papa Johns.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Marshall vs. Hawai'i
The hardest bowl for me to pick a winner. A lacking Marshall team vs the WAC runner up in Hawaii, who will be playing at home. Then I remember how not to believe WAC records and that the conference still sucked balls so the W goes to Marshall.
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl
Temple at #23 Boise State
And look who is in the next bitch bowl, the BillRoy slayer himself, Hoos. This time he doesn’t have the WAC to fall back on and he goes after a 6-6 Temple squad that was better than his record indicated. Still cHusker should be licking his chops at the prospect of playing a Boise team that won its only non-conference game against Trendon’s Bulls. Minor upset here as Temple takes it vs Boise State.
Uuaww’s Island Guys Awards
This is my opportunity to sing the praise the highest quality players for the NDL all season. Are they all All-Americans? No, but they probably get laid more than Tebow (virgin my ass btw) so here is your chance to be awarded.
Offense
QB- Rusty Smith- FAU
RB- Jahvid Best- California
RB- Adre Dixon- Connecticut
WR-A’Darius Medford- SMU
WR- Dezmon Briscoe- Kansas
TE- Ernie Bernal- Army
OL- Barry Humphries- Clemson
OL- Jimmy Bennett- Connecticut
C- Ben Jones- Georgia
OL- Jamarcus Grant- Clemson
OL- Dan Voss- Georgia Tech
Defense:
DL- Sean Progar-Jackson- Northern Illinois
DL- Kevin Hogan- Kent State
DL- Myles Morales- Air Force
DL- Jake Laptad- Kansas
LB- Reggie Carter- UCLA
LB- Marcus English- Eastern Michigan
LB- Darryl Farley- Tulane
CB- M.D. Jennings- Arkansas State
CB- Morgan Burnett- Georgia Tech
S- Kam Chancellor- Virginia Tech
S- Randy Phillips- Miami (FL)
The True Bowlers
These are the teams who actually deserved their bowl status. They also don’t play in crappy bowls in crappy cities for the most part. Or the match-up is just too enticing to miss.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
#21 Houston vs FAU
Now this is a good bowl. On one side you have a Houston side that spent most of the season in the rankings but slipped up right at the end and fell out of the Conference USA race all together. On the other you have the Sun Belt champion, the only true bowl worthy Sun Belt team. FAU had a great season, a top 10 offense, but the Houston running game will be too much for him as he will go down in a battle. His consolation? A high draft pick.
SDCCU Poinsettia Bowl
Oregon State vs Air Force
San Diego gets this one right by naming their bowl after a flower. None of this pizza chain bullshit, they went classic and in return, they get a pair of recognizable teams. Oregon State struggled all season but they go their act together at the end by winning their final 3 games to become bowl eligible. They will play Air Force who was average but bull worthy all season. The Falcons tailed off at the end of the season, which is why I am going with the Beavers.
Maaco Bowl Las Vegas
Wyoming vs UCLA
What the fuck is Maaco Bowl? Were you too good to be known as the Las Vegas anymore? I mean fuck man, this is like calling the Angels the Las Angeles Angels of Anaheim. It is just a copout so you can transition to get rid of the Las Vegas/Anaheim part. Wyoming has big shoes to fill in this bowl but should be up to UCLA challenge.
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl
Western Kentucky vs Akron
I didn’t think there would be a bowl with shittier pizza but they did it, and in Detroit no less! The only thing that saves this bowl is that it is actually an interesting match-up. Akron’s 17th ranked defense vs. Western Kentucky. Akron will be too much D for the Hilltoppers however.
Champs Sports Bowl
Maryland vs Michigan State
Come on. Maryland by 30.
Insight Bowl
Kansas vs Iowa
Kudos for this bowl and dropping the stupid .com ending. .com bowls were so 2001. Maybe they could teach the Papa Johns Bowl how to not douche it up. We might be into some big name schools, but these two had crappy season, 11 losses combined… toss up goes to Kansas.
Texas Bowl
Colorado vs Buffalo
Buffs vs Bulls, a dream match-up right? Well actually it is. This is actually Colorado vs Kent State but I wanted to know that Trendon’s eyes lit up for a split second that he actually made a bowl game. Well those dreams are dashed. Wouldn’t matter which MAC makes this game, Colorado will destroy them.
Valero Alamo Bowl
#16 Oklahoma vs Purdue
Our first game featuring a ranked opponent. Can the NDL’s lovable stoner pull off the upset? Probably not. He takes his 5th ranked rushing attack up against Oklahoma’s 8th ranked passing attack, a sure fire recipe for points.
Emerald Bowl
Virginia vs #17 Arizona State
Yes that #3 ranking earlier was pre-mature as Arizona State fell off the table at the end of the season. They will try to salvage their season against a Virginia team that survived the gauntlet that is the ACC. Virginia played many tough games, but Arizona State comes in needing to end his season on a good note, don’t take desperate teams lightly.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
#18 Texas vs #13 USC
On paper this looks like a classic match-up. You have two big name schools that got here in two very similar ways. Both started the season on tough notes and spent the rest of the time trying to recover. Their reward was a trip to a major bowl game. USC is coming off of 7 straight wins and that kind of momentum wins you bowl games.
International Bowl
Rutgers vs Western Michigan
Rutgers pissed off the bulk of this league by crapping on the trendy pick to the win the NDL in Shel’s Penn State. His punishment? Being sent to Canada (not really though since it’s Toronto), to go up against a 6 straight win Western Michigan team. Western Michigan holds the hot hand and Rutgers still talks about his glory days when he beat Penn State. WMU in the upset.
Autozone Liberty Bowl
Central Florida vs FIU
Central Florida won C-USA, FIU runners up in the Sun Belt. Not a bowl that is going to create any kind of hoopla. It will quietly just fade away as both teams get ready for greener pastures next season. Knights for the win.
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
Clemson vs. Texas A&M
Clemson is a heavy favorite here and rightfully so. They played in a tougher conference and won 8 games. This might have been a 10 win team in the Big 12. Texas A&M will have a tough time stopping the Clemson offense but the league will be rooting for him to do so. VVV has turned into one of the bigger heels of the league.
Brut Sun Bowl
Washington vs #22 Cincinnati
Two 8-4 teams battle it out in the desert. Washington scored some major upsets during the season, but was prone to flopping from time to time. It will be interesting to see how they react against a ball hog like Cincinnati who led the NDL in time of possession. If they can force a few turnovers, they can stay in this one but I think the Bearcats will be too much for them to handle.
The Bottom 10 is brought to you by Sugar Ray, a favorite of our new #1 in the Bottom 10. Missouri is on a 3 game winning streak to end their run the Bottom 10. The
10. Indiana (2-10)- Deadweight: Indiana was Big 10 deadweight after they picked up only 1 conference win all season.
9. Duke (2-10)- Beercan: The ACC schedule is over, maybe Dray can put back a few drinks and think about joining an easier conference next time.
8. Navy (2-10)- Mixed Bizness: Navy won only twice all season, but one of those was against Army, so the season wasn't all bad.
7. Wake Forest (2-10)- Nausea: His schedule would have made any of us sick, but Kelly still should have done much better.
6. Stanford (1-11)- Loser: Stanford was just plain awful this season. Never got things going and only won once.
5. Nevada- Jackass: He was the cream of the helpless WAC but let Hoos sabotage his PS3 and permitted on making me and my predictions look like a Jackass, asshole.
4. North Texas (2-10)-Pay No Mind: Just about gave up on the season. Was destined to not win much from the start. He spent nearly the entire season in the Bottom 10.
3. SMU (1-11)- Timebomb: Beefy got fed up on the season, specifically with Tulsa and might be out of the NDL for good after he exploded at the end of the season.
2. San Jose State (1-11)- Girl: Dole quit on the season because of a girl, and didn't even get any in the end because he couldn't perform.
1. Kansas State (1-11)- Lost Cause: Our beloved commish might want to think about switching for player/manager to just managing the league. His skills are a lost cause.
The Premier Bowls
Independence Bowl
#19 Texas Tech vs Arizona
Arizona struggled in Pac 10 play but was able to be perfect outside of it to earn itself a bowl bid. These are actually two surprising lackluster offensive teams and have been hard pressed to put up points all season but especially near the end. Even so, I don’t see this one being a defensive struggle, just a lot of turnovers and Arizona should come out of it alive.
Chick-fil-A Bowl
#24 Florida State vs Mississippi
Florida State brings a lot of bad blood to the table after a messy end of season debate revolving around the ACC Championship game. They will face an Ole Miss team that started the season ranked high but never lived up to the expectations. Florida State proceeded to lose the ACC Championship and now is in a bowl game about chicken, the Peach Bowl was way better. I personally have never seen a Chick-fil-A, so it shouldn’t be a bowl game. Only national companies should be allowed to sponsor bowl games.
Meineke Car Care Bowl
North Carolina vs #20 South Florida
I predicted South Florida to be a trendy pick to upset Shel late in the season and it blew up in my face. They now are relegated to a bowl game about car care… pretty harsh. Not only that, they play an unranked foe. South Florida should take this one easily, but the fall from where they were must have hurt.
Outback Bowl
Ohio State vs Alabama
A pair of 7-5 teams in the Outback Bowl? It was a tough season for both teams as neither was a factor in their own conferences. Both teams will bring stellar defenses with sub-par offenses which should make sure that this game becomes a snoozer. No one wants to see a defensive battle on a New Years Bowl.
AT&T Cotton Bowl
#10 Nebraska vs #11 Georgia
Fuck Nebraska, I have been harping on them all season about their soft schedule. Georgia will expose it even more, Georgia big.
Gator Bowl
#14 Virginia Tech vs #12 Notre Dame
Notre Dame won 9 but was shut out of the BCS and will actually play an opponent that is weaker than them. The real poll voters might blow Notre Dame cock, but the NDL doesn’t. Even though this team touted a top 20 defense, they were always near the bottom in the rankings for the amount of losses they had.
Capital One Bowl
Wisconsin vs #15 LSU
LSU lost 4 games. FACT. 2 of those losses came against Florida though, so this team is a lot better than it seems. They go up against an unranked Badger team that played the 2nd easiest schedule in the NDL. LSU played the 13th hardest. I’ll go with LSU.
BCS Bowls
Rose Bowl
#4 Penn State vs #6 Georgia Tech
Penn State was top 10 in many categories this year, but they laid one giant egg against Rutgers. If Cal or Florida would have lost, Penn State would be playing for the Championship, but it wasn’t meant to be. He will now face a Georgia Tech squad that will run the highly annoying triple option. Shel should be prepared with his 5th ranked rush defense, but he never faced a ground game like Georgia Tech. This one should go down to the wire, but with nothing major to play for, and no pressure, Penn State should win it.
Fiesta Bowl
#8 Oklahoma State vs #7 TCU
TCU busted the BCS party this year even though he participated in one of the least likely results in the NDL all season, a 19 point loss at home to a 6-6 Colorado State team. He recovered though to make the Feista Bowl will he will take on surprise Big 12 winner, Oklahoma State. Oklahoma State lost his first two games to SEC foes, but hasn’t lost since and his defense who forced the most turnovers all season should take out the Horned Frogs.
Orange Bowl
#5 Miami (FL) vs Louisville
The last time that Nole was in the Orange Bowl, he won the NDL Championship. A lot has changed since his glory days, but he is hoping to catch a bit of that prior magic and stir up an upset against Miami. Miami is top 5 in 5 separate categories and should overwhelm the Cardinals defense. Nole might be able to keep it close, but the Vegas hangover will doom him.
Sugar Bowl
#3 Tennessee vs #9 Illinois
Tenneesee lost one game, an early season 7 point loss to Florida. They haven’t lost since. Illinois played strong all season, but went down to Penn State and USC. Tennessee was hoping to be able to sneak back into the title game, but it wasn’t meant to be. They will likely take out their frustration on Illinois.
BCS National Championship
#2 California vs #1 Florida
If only the real NCAA was this perfect. On one side of the country you have Florida, led by perennial NDL juggernaut BigMike. He already has 2 NDL Championships under his belt and is looking for a 3rd. His star player is Tim Tebow, the QB who can do it all. Backed by a solid defense, BigMike took down every opponent he faced. On the other side of the country is California, led by NDL Championship virgin Outlaw. Every year like clockwork he stubbles somewhere in conference play to shatter his Championship dreams. This year, he finally got it right. His team is lead by Jahvid Best and his NDL leading rushing attack, and it wasn’t even close. He has bulldozed his way into the Championship game. Two different teams, both undefeated. Smart money is on BigMike, but we love underdogs, and I am going with Outlaw to pull the upset and bring home his first championship.
