Hold onto your helmets, Bruins fans — or, better yet, your overpriced acai bowls — because something utterly unhinged just happened in Westwood. No, this isn’t a crossover episode of “Friday Night Lights” and “Breaking Bad.” This is real life. Kinda. UCLA just hired a man known only as Coach Texas Fan to lead their football program. Yep, that’s his actual name. First name: Coach. Middle name: Texas. Last name: Fan. Sounds like a witness protection alias. Or a barbecue sauce. But nope — he’s your new head honcho of pigskin.
Who is he? Well, let me paint you a picture: imagine if a ten-gallon hat, a brisket smoker, and a football strategy manual had a baby… and that baby was raised by Matthew McConaughey’s drawl and a defensive line made of steak. That's Coach Texas Fan. He once called a timeout just to finish his ribs. Legend.
UCLA, the land of palm trees and Pilates, has officially yeeted tradition out the Rose Bowl window in favor of grit, guts, and an unapologetic fondness for saying “y’all” in postgame pressers. Coach Texas Fan doesn’t care if your GPA is 4.3 and your smoothie has kale — if you can’t block, tackle, or talk trash about USC with poetic venom, you’re sitting bench.
So what’s next? Tailgates with chili cook-offs. Locker rooms that smell like mesquite. A playbook that just says “Chuck it deep, baby” in crayon. Oh, and a football season that’s about to be more unpredictable than a raccoon in a Home Depot.
Grab your foam fingers and cowboy boots, Bruins — this ride’s about to get wild.
You're welcome, college football.
– Bruinpool
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