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NW Hire NarcanMan, Release Schedule

Article By: NarcanMan

In a move no one predicted but everyone will remember, the Northwestern Wildcats have officially named NarcanMan as their new head coach. Yes, that NarcanMan, the viral vigilante of public health awareness; is trading naloxone sprays for headset plays. Critics are already calling it “the most Northwestern hire ever,” and honestly, they might be onto something.

Northwestern football hasn’t exactly lit the scoreboard on fire in recent years. So, in a bold attempt to jolt the program back to life, both metaphorically and maybe literally, the university’s athletic department said, “What if we brought in a guy who specializes in bringing people back?” NarcanMan’s street-level charisma, bulletproof ethos, and penchant for high-pressure saves now get tested under the lights of Big Ten football.

“Reviving hearts is just step one,” said NarcanMan in his introductory press conference, wearing purple-tinted aviators and a cape made from a vintage Evanston blanket.

Here’s a look at the Wildcats' 2025 slate, one that promises more drama than a med school application rejection:

1 vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane
2 vs. Auburn Tigers
3 vs. Oregon Ducks
4 at Arkansas Razorbacks
5 vs. UCLA Bruins
6 BYE WEEK
7 at Penn State Nittany Lions
8 vs. Purdue Boilermakers
9 at Nebraska Cornhuskers
10 BYE WEEK
11 at USC Trojans
12 vs. Michigan Wolverines
13 vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers
14 at Illinois Fighting Illini

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